Building safer, respectful and loving relationships

We all have (or had) a woman in our lives who has unconditionally loved and cared for us since the day we were conceived. 

The other women in our lives, such as sisters, wives, girlfriends, daughters, nieces, and mother or sister figures, continue to pray for our well-being every day. 

Our society has long relied on the contributions of women in countless ways, whether in families, communities, or workplaces. Women fast and pray to God for our safety and longevity. They do that while still courageously doing things like giving birth, raising kids at home day in and day out. The biological changes, like menstruation, that they face every month throughout their adult lives are something we men can never experience or understand.

What is truly disturbing is that despite all the sacrifices and unconditional love, women have
been subjected to all sorts of violence, whether that be physical, sexual, mental or financial.

Unfortunately, it is not showing any signs of slowing down; the recent death of 16-year-old Inisha BK from sexual violence comes to mind. 

How ridiculous is that? How is that fair? Why is this not boiling our blood and making us equally outraged? 

I hear the argument that men can be victims too, and they can be. But do you honestly believe men have been beaten to death, raped and killed, or coercively controlled by female partners on an almost daily basis across the nation? 

I don’t believe so. 

I understand it is easier said than done, easy for me to point out all social injustices but not do my part in mitigating them. 

Writing this piece and talking about the elephant in the room is how I intend to get involved and I welcome you to join me in starting this conversation, as uncomfortable as it may be.

Shift in leadership and accountability

The brave young generation of Nepal has united against corruption, totally and completely rooting out the systemic problem at the government level. 

It has paved the way for a generational shift in the political system and leadership. I know you are all as excited as I am.

While we all share this excitement, we must continue to hold the government accountable for improving safety for vulnerable people in Nepal, among all the other good things the new government aspires to bring about. 

But most importantly, we need to keep having this conversation about relationships, sexual consent, mutual respect, and accountability, at dinner tables, in workplaces, classrooms, gyms, movie scripts, and music lyrics. You get my point: it should be everywhere, in everything.

We need to stop normalising gender-stereotypical languages that undermine women and minorities. Let’s not blame a gender but instead focus on individuals and their actions, call them out, regardless of their sexual orientation and gender.

Meaningful conversation 

Now take a moment to think of those young people you care about and keep them in mind when reading this point forward – whether they are your children, students, brothers, sisters, nieces, nephews and cousins, your employees and colleagues, or anyone who looks up to you. 

Whether they are reaching puberty, are in abusive relationships, are weighing up their dating options, going through breakups, or are simply curious about life and the future in general. 

We often don’t realise how life-changing a deep and meaningful conversation can be to someone who needs one. 

I want to share some ideas on how I would approach those conversations. 

We should not discount young people as being dumb or naive; they are, in fact, highly intelligent individuals who are curious about everything and, unfortunately, are exposed to an overwhelming amount of information and events happening around the world. 

If managed well, we will be shaping their bright futures and helping tackle social injustice and gender-based violence, in the process, starting from home. 

Simply listening and making someone feel safe and comfortable to share their feelings is critical to a good conversation. 

Tell them they are brave and intelligent for having this conversation with you. 

No matter how silly the mistakes were, it is better that you know at an early stage rather than when it is too late, so we can assess the situation and provide them with the support needed. 

The key is to make them feel comfortable enough to share anything without fear of judgment or repercussions. 

Physical attraction vs love

Let’s face it, we all crave connection and belonging, and feel attracted to someone, which is completely okay. It is important for people reaching puberty to understand that being attracted to someone is a natural emotion, but can not be regarded as love. 

It is simply our brain, as we grow, using natural “feel-good” chemicals like dopamine and oxytocin to make us feel attracted to others. 

Love, physical attraction, relationships and mutual respect are not the same, and we should not confuse physical attraction with love. 

People cannot defend their abusive behaviour by using “love” as the reason. 

You don’t control, abuse, or harm people you love in any way. 

Hence, people must understand that “love” is built upon mutual understanding and respect, shared values, and genuine care for each other. 

Draw a line in the sand: when there’s no mutual respect or shared understanding with your partner on the things that matter most to you, end the relationship and walk away as early as possible.

Remember, that is not love; it’s a strong physical attraction that will fade away, only leaving you completely heartbroken and worse in some cases.

Starting a relationship should not mean you are signing your life away; you are simply trying to get to know someone better. 

If you do not like what you find, do not be afraid to have the conversation, set out clear expectations, and if both of you cannot agree on fundamentals, respectfully end the relationship early on. 

Life is a long journey, and your personal dignity, freedom, respect, and well-being far outweigh society’s so-called definition of what success should look like. 

Again, easier said than done. 

I understand and appreciate that while I am saying “get out of” or “just end” the relationship, it is far more complex than that. 

I do not pretend to know what it’s like to be in an abusive relationship just by seeing from the sidelines. 

However, understanding a few key principles can help foster happier and more mutually respectful relationships. First, it’s important to recognise that love driven by care and respect—and physical attraction, driven by chemical reactions in the brain, are not the same and can exist independently. Second, being upfront about your expectations and setting clear boundaries from the start helps create a healthy foundation. Finally, having the courage to address difficult conversations when those boundaries are crossed, and, if necessary, respectfully ending the relationship early, ensures that both partners maintain respect and emotional well-being.

Consent and accountability

The most important wisdom we can pass on to our future generations is “No means No, full stop.”

The exact words used in context might take different forms, i.e. “I do not want it”, “I do not like it”, “Stop”, “Don’t do that”, among others. 

In any relationship, when one party expresses their disapproval, it must stop there, no ifs or buts. 

Trying to take it further should only be seen as a criminal offence. 

I understand some people are unaware of how critically important it is to seek and accept consent before engaging in sexual activity or any context for that matter. Which is why it is every one of our responsibilities to educate and talk about the importance of consent and the consequences of crossing that line.

Imagine how many times Inisha, Nirmala, or the many other victims of sexual and domestic violence have said “No”. 

We need to educate our younger generations on the importance of consent and condemn those who do not seek consent or disregard someone’s disapproval in the strongest possible language. 

We need to punish perpetrators with the full force of the law, regardless of their political and societal status. 

Both education and a fair and just legal system are equally important to prevent and minimise this epidemic of sexual violence impacting our loving nation.

It is also important for all of us to reflect on our own behaviour in every aspect of life. Do you ask for consent every time? And when you are told ‘no’, do you honour that rejection without question?

We must hold ourselves accountable, take a mental note to apologise next time, and commit to upholding respect for our partner or fellow human beings in the future. 

Remember, the change starts with you.

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